HOLD: Spiritual Annoyance & Breath work
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Here is an audio version of this blog post:
I wanna share a recent experience I had of being left hanging by the Spirit. (At least that’s what it seemed like at the time.)
When I do retreats or hold space for a group, I have a process that so far has been tried and true. I get some background on the group and the purpose of the space. I set apart time to sit in the Spirit and hold that group and the upcoming space. I usually get an image, word, or some sense that guides my preparation for the space. From whatever I receive in that time comes the intent and invitation for the space, which is constantly being clarified often even up until the moment I am starting to facilitate.
I recently had a retreat where that did NOT happen, which was annoying to say the least. I did get a word - HOLD - and from that word came a couple of practices. But instead of clarifying, the word stirred up more and more as I got closer to the retreat. Even while traveling to the retreat, I remember looking at my boarding pass for the Gate # and on the pass, where the Gate # was supposed to be it said HOLD. And I laughed. I thought, “I guess I’ll find the gate number at some point on the way. And I guess that type of thing will be the experience for this retreat, huh?”
Still, I was annoyed when I found myself standing there at the start of my session with so much and nothing in particular. All I had was space, those practices, and curiosity. I expected clarity would come in the practice. However, even after we practiced together I found myself being like, is that all? Was that it?
I stayed in this wondering and questioning the rest of the retreat. Then, 5 am the morning AFTER I returned home from the retreat, I woke up with sudden understanding, or really acceptance of the experience. One of the practices that came from the word was a practice of “Creating Space with Breath” in which we use our breath to create an opening inside and hold its space paying attention to that opening and seeing what is there or what comes from it. How ironic then, that all I myself experienced was an opening to pay attention to. All I had was something that forsook the patterns and expectations on which I rely to shape my world. All I could do was be present and pay attention to what came up in that absence, including my own annoyance and insecurity.
I am reminded as I’m typing this, that at the world endings and world beginnings that we find ourselves in, many frameworks and expectations fall apart and many repetitive “failures” commence. The breath, I think, is key to continuing to show up to the call of the Spirit of Life amid the vulnerability the unknown and the learning of new ways requires. Each breath we take in the new, transmute it into what we need, then release what we no longer need.
I don’t know if the word was “helpful” for anyone at the retreat, but it certainly did its work on me. Ha! I still don’t fully know why, but I know that it’s ok and I’m ok even without my preferred outcomes, even when I don’t show what I think I know of myself. And that reality opens a world of possibilities.
Here is the practice, “Creating Space with Breath:”
Also, for my east coast people, here is a resource - a group called “Heal Your Love,” started by Darren and Gloria Hagood that creates healing space using breath work and sound: https://healyourloveperiod.com/
